I hate this song. Well, actually, I love this song. It's my favorite, actually. But I hate it at the same time. I've known it for a very long time. And all of a sudden, at the 8th Grade Promotion Dance, they played it at the very end, and I cried. The whole dance I'd been watching everyone have fun. I had fun too, I suppose. But they looked so carefree. I wanted to be that way. Not that I'm some kind of sad girl or anything. I'm generally happy. But that night was not one of my happiest.
My good friend Kimberly didn't come to the dance, so I didn't get to hang around her. She was one day younger than 14, so she wasn't going to any dances yet. But anyway... so she wasn't there so I hung around my other friends that were more.. let's say, wild. And they had a tendency to walk away from me. It wasn't sneaky like they were trying to get away from me. They just gradually scooted away from me every once in a while to get a drink or see someone.
Then they wouldn't let Sarah in because she moved to Lebanon, so she wasn't in their list. So Alexis wouldn't come it, either. So the only two friends I had in the dance that were really close to me besides Leif were Zanna and Tia, but Tia gradually moved away from me and Zanna had other people and.. err... children to tend to. (Her aunt had kids there.)
Olivia got sad and I had to do a dance to Dancing Queen in order to get her in a good mood. It was pretty funny, let me tell you!
Let me tell you about the three boys.
The first boy, let's call him Partier, is one of my best friends. He is nice to me (so a certain point. Sarcasm is used often.) and we know almost everything about each other. I have feelings for him. Strong feelings. He knows about my feelings towards him, and I think he feels guilty about not returning them. But he knows better than to lie to make me feel better, and for that I am grateful. Of course, he tends to fall for the girls that are.. let's say.. not me. They are the ones that spend hours in the bathroom packing on hair products and eyeliner, prancing around in their skinny jeans and acting like obnoxious, immature teenagers with either no or too much self respect. I straighten my hair, wear eyeliner and skinny jeans, but it's different than how they do everything. Trust me.
The second boy, let's call him Avoider, used to be one of my best friends. Last year we were close friends; me, him, and another girl who we will call Cutie. Me and Cutie used to pretend to fight over him and I actually began to have feelings for him. We were talking on MySpace one night and we were discussing our feelings. Turns out we liked each other. Go figure! But I told him I was waiting until I was 16 to date, and he promised me that he would wait with me and he would be my first date. So for a while we kept that promise. But later last summer, just before school started, I told him over Facebook that we should break off the promise. After all, what if we started to like other people? I didn't want him to have to keep such a promise. So he agreed and said he didn't mind and he'd been thinking about it too. This school year, we had one class together, but we didn't ever sit near each other. He hardly ever spoke to me and I hardly spoke to him except for the simple hellos. But I began to wonder why we had suddenly fallen apart so quickly. One night, like, sometime during the end of the second trimester, I had a dream about him. It was weird. We were like.. in a fight, and he told me that he still liked me so we should stop fighting or something like that. So after that I couldn't stop thinking about him, but he still didn't talk to me very often. I guess a few weeks ago he talked to me on Facebook and told me that he was not talking to me the whole year because he was sort of angry at me for breaking off the promise, but he realized that it was stupid and he apologized, or, that's what is was in a nutshell, anyway. So for some stupid reason, I took that as "I still like you and that's why I wasn't talking to you because I was mad". So a few weeks later I decided to tell him over Facebook that I still had feelings for him. I don't know what I was expecting, but I guess more than what I got. He accepted it and I guess I felt better, but he hasn't said a thing to me since I told him that on Facebook.
The third boy, let's call him Awkard, has a thing for me. And I definitely don't have a thing for him. I thought I did for like a week a really long time ago and quickly changed my mind. He kind of reminds me of Will, and that's why. But he complements me all the time and is just the nicest guy in the world to me, but I hate it. I don't like all the mushy stuff. I hate it when my parents do it. Why would I want it done to me? But I guess I'm usually nice and just say thank you. Anyway, he tends to follow me around. Not like a stalker. But like, at school things, he hangs around me, even if I'm not acknowledging him. It's odd, but I feel bad that I don't feel the same way for him, because I know how it feels. But I also know that I shouldn't lie and say that I do have feelings for him.
So at the dance, these three boys were all there, split up. It'd been a long night, and things were getting emotional. It didn't help that Marcus was going to be leaving. I had just about had it with everyone not hanging around me like they usually did. It was just weird for me and I didn't like it. I didn't have anything to do except stand and look like an idiot. So I climbed the stairs and sat on the stage so my legs went off the edge. I sort of liked being alone, but Awkward came up and sat next to me silently, and I didn't tell him to go away. I looked over in the direction of Partier and he was getting really.. err.. close to another girl while they were dancing. (Did I mention that I don't like her?) I looked the other way and a little ways down the stage was Avoider, not paying any attention to anyone but the same people that were always around him.
The DJ announced the next song would be the last, and he played Don't Stop Believing. The music started and my eyes got watery as I sang it at first, and then the water actually overflowed into tears. It was annoying actually, because then I knew that when they turned on the lights then I would be found out.
Just a small town girl living in a lonely world; she took the midnight train going anywhere.
Just a city boy born and raised in south Detroit; he took the midnight train going anywhere.
I just sort of remembered me and Zanna singing with each other, and I thought of Glee, and of the season finale.
A singer in a smoky room; the smell of wine and cheep perfume.
For a smile they can share the night.
It goes on and on and on and on.
I think I was imagining what I wanted it to be like at the dance. Partier and/or Avoider with me, having a good time. But neither was happening, and instead, Awkard was next to me.
Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard, their shadows searching in the night.
Streetlights people living just to find emotion hiding somewhere in the night.
I stared at Partier having a good time with a girl I didn't even like. We were best friends and still I couldn't just go over there and be with him without it being awkward.
I looked over at Avoider having a good time with his friends, one of them being Cutie who he likes now. I wanted to say something to him; ask him why he hadn't been saying anything to me lately. I thought it was odd. I guess I don't really say anything to him either, but I mean, he used to start of Facebook chats all the time and now he doesn't ever.
Working hard to get my fill; everybody wants a thrill.
Paying anything to roll the dice just one more time.
I feel very often as if I want to go back and try different things to see how they would have turned out differently. I wish I could take back so many things that I've said and done.
Some will win. Some will loose.
Some were born to sing the blues.
The movie never ends; it goes on and on and on and on.
I want to change things, but I know very well that I can't. Some people are going to get things that I want and can't have, and I just need to accept it. But It just feels like these things just keep happening over and over and over and I hate it.
Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard. Their shadows somewhere in the night.
Streetlight people living just to find emotion.
Hiding somewhere in the night.
Sometimes I can't figure out what I'm feeling, and at that time, I wasn't so sure what I was feeling.
Don't stop believing.
Hold on to that feeling.
I looked at two guys that I wanted to be with and one that wanted to be with me. I wanted to keep hoping that one of them would 'come to their senses' and find me and talk to me. I wanted to 'hold on' to the feeling that they would. But.. I think I stopped believing.
No comments:
Post a Comment